The Cat Test (Cat Magnet? Cat Lure? CATNIP!)
by I.W.P-chan
Summary: Amamiya Ren is a cat magnet. Crack.


Summary: Amamiya Ren is a cat magnet. Crack.

 _Note: Inspired by fanart by_ _ **sup-poki**_ _over on tumblr. Idea is used with their permission._

" _All hail Amamiya-sama, our Cat Lord and Saviour." –Morgana, 2K18._

 _Alt. title: "The Cat Harem"_

 **Warnings: Crack Fic Extraordinaire (Like SO MUCH), CATS! CATS! CATS!, Ren Actually Doesn't Mind The Cat Thing Unless It Really Inconveniences Him, It's Not Limited To Actual Cats, Petition To Change Joker's Codename To Cat Burglar, Inspired By Art, Ren Is Secretly Otonashi Io From Acchi Kocchi, Drama, I'm Sorry Akechi I Swear I Love You, MAYBE Could Be Taken As ShuAke Hint In The End.**

 **Disclaimer:** Don't own P5.

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Ryuji was having a wild day.

It started out as usual, wake up, get ready for school, leave.

Meet a fluff head on the way to school while screaming at the back of Kamoshida's leaving car.

Get transported into some sort of strange fever dream where Shujin was a castle with guards in full metal suits and freaking Kamoshida in a _speedo!_

(GAH! BRAIN BLEACH! BRAIN BLEACH!)

Almost die in an attempt to give the fluff head mentioned above the chance to escape.

Watch the aforementioned fluff head turn into the Devil incarnate and scare the shit outta Kamoshida and his men, and get them both outta the dungeon.

But anyway.

Ryuji was having a wild day.

And then the cat thing happened.

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"Hey~ You~ With the fluffy hair~" The blue-eyed creature called out to the two from behind the bars of one of the dungeons. It was a cat. A very cartoonish cat with a big head. A very cartoonish cat staring at said fluff head with sparkly eyes, "Get me out of here? And I can help you get out in exchange!"

Ryuji, who did have some healthy wariness in him towards potential dangers (no matter what others said) side eyed the creature.

Fluff head, apparently a person with weakness to fluffy creatures (out of some form of kinship? It was hard to say), complied and opened the door for the cat.

"Freedom!" The cat cheered as it hopped out of the cell, "At last!"

Fluff head bent down and petted the cat on the head. The cat started purring.

Ryuji knew in that moment that he was saddled with the duty of being the only one with his priorities straight (hah, what a joke).

"Hey, dude, are you done with the cat? We need to leave before they find us again."

The cat did a one eighty and snapped its head towards him, glaring at him with all the intimidation it could muster, which was none at all.

"I'm not a cat!"

Ryuji stared, right. Sure. Not a cat.

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They finally found their way back to school after sneaking out of the castle, an experience that felt like it was out of a hallucination. Except for one thing…

The cat followed them.

The freaking _talking_ cat followed them.

 _A goddamn talking cat_ ; why was Ryuji's luck this horrible? Whom did he piss off in a past life to deserve this? Wait, never mind. Drop that line of thought ASAP.

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"So, my name is Sakamoto Ryuji."

"And I'm Amamiya Ren."

"Call me Ryuji, Renren."

A hiss, a flash of claws, and Ryuji had to dodge.

"Dude, what the hell?"

Morgana glared at him with his unsheathed claws wickedly gleaming in the sunlight, "What did you just call him?"

And so, the infamous Morgana-Ryuji rivalry began.

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The less said about the encounter with cognitive Ann in Kamoshida's Palace, the better.

(Needless to say, Morgana had been very suspicious of Ann for a few days before she won him over with her unashamed sheer presence (and good head rubs).)

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Sojiro had no problem with the stray the kid he took in brought with him; the cat, Morgana, was well-behaved, intelligent, and followed the kid everywhere, which meant that Sojiro didn't have to worry about him getting into the café during business hours, or messing up the place during the night.

But he guessed he should have figured a stray, even one as polite as Morgana, wouldn't have survived as a stray if he didn't have a few rough edges at least.

It was just another day like usual, and the brat had returned to the café as usual. Except this time he was sporting a bewildered look as he slowly dragged his feet in and closed the door behind him.

And then came the hissing.

Sojiro blinked in shock and looked over the counter to see Morgana viciously hissing at the door, back arched and hair standing on end.

And then came the meowing, and Sojiro's second shock of the day; there was a hoard of strays standing outside of the café's door and mewling pitifully as they stared intently at Amamiya with wide-eyes.

"What the…" Sojiro turned to look at Amamiya, who coughed in embarrassment and shrugged one-shoulder awkwardly.

Did Sojiro take in a cat magnet?!

(At least Morgana was standing guard? Did that even count as an upside?)

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"Petition to change this guy's codename from Joker to Cat Burglar."

"Denied." Mona sniffed imperiously.

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Yusuke was in a slump and he couldn't afford to be, not when he still had to supply his mentor with paintings.

(Not that he'd even be done with supplying his mentor with paintings, but it was the least he could do to pay back sensei's kindness.)

He stared forlornly out of the car's window, hoping to see even a glimpse of inspiration. People milled on the sidewalk, each minding their own business, each stuck in their own world. Yusuke wondered what each of them saw when they looked around, did they even pay attention? His eyes caught on a blonde girl around his own age with twin pigtails, stunning, awe-inspiring, and breath-taking. In front of her walked another teen, with dark, fluffy hair peeking from under the cat lounging on his head, there were two other cats draped on his shoulders, a cat poking its head out of his bag and pretty much glaring at the other cats. There were three cats following the teen.

Yusuke's hand found the car door's handle and opened it before he bolted out of it.

His inspiration.

His hopefully future model.

Such power. Such presence. Such grace.

Such perfection.

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"Please be my model for my next art piece!" Yusuke passionately declared, staring intently at the teen carrying the cats.

The cat in the bag yowled.

.

Queen watched attentively as Joker ambushed a Shadow, launching himself off the ground and planting his feet on the Shadow's shoulder before ripping the mask off it and flipping back with feline grace, landing with a Cheshire cat grin on his face.

Queen rushed to the forefront to stand at Joker's side along with Mona and Skull, ready to take on the Shadow that took the form of two cat-women of sorts.

The two Shadows took one look at Joker and grinned widely before approaching him. Mona went down on all fours and hissed, back arching; his posture would have been absolutely normal out of the Metaverse but now just looked completely ridiculous.

"Oh, not with Shadows too," Skull groaned, and Queen could hear Panther sigh, and see from the corner of her eye Fox step forward to observe with a curious expression on his face.

The Shadows dispersed into blue flames and morphed to the same shape as Joker's mask before launching towards him and entering his mask. Joker touched a finger to his mask and his grin widened, if that was even possible. Mona relaxed out of his pose and tried to act like everything was normal.

Queen dropped out of her battle stance, "Was this the… usual?"

"It depends on how you define 'usual'." Panther shrugged.

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The cognitive version of Futaba's mother glared down at them all and slammed a paw down, hitting Joker, and nailing him to the ground before clutching him and taking flight with him in her paw still.

"Wait, what?!" Panther cried out in shock, "What is the meaning of this?! Why did she take him?"

Mona hissed angrily and Zorro materialized, throwing a Garula the cognition's way and nearly hitting her.

"Wait…" Queen started, trepidation filling her, "Sphinxes are part lion, right?"

"And a lion is basically a big cat. Fuck." Skull cursed, gripping his bat tightly.

"But isn't this just a cognition?" Fox inquired, "Cognitions act as the Palace ruler perceives, not according to our experiences."

"Futaba-chan knows about Joker's catnip status, doesn't she?" Panther put a hand to her mask, "Anyway, we should focus on getting Joker back safely to the ground."

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"Man am I glad we never took you to the zoo, Ren."

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"Alright, inmate. Next, get us a Neko Shogun with Dekaja."

"Did you just say _Neko_ Shogun?" The inmate's eyes sparkled dangerously.

"Yes, and don't make me repeat what I say, inmate!" Caroline scowled at him. She had the feeling that she was making someone else's day hell on earth, but she honestly didn't care as long as the inmate brought them the required Persona.

.

"Neko Shogun!" Oracle thrust a finger into Joker's chest, "Is that you're _true_ Persona?"

"Who knows?" Joker grinned wickedly.

"Don't encourage him!" Skull hissed. Oracle grinned mischievously back at him.

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Sojiro almost squinted at the girl in Shujin uniform sitting at the café's counter and staring intently at Ren as he prepped her a cup of coffee; she was seemingly unaware of (or uncaring about) the curious stares she received from the teen detective/celebrity sitting a chair over, and the deathly glares sent her way from the direction of the stares by Morgana.

Haru was standing next to Ren, observing how he prepared the coffee, and Sojiro took the chance to ask her what the deal with the girl was when Ren went to give her the cup he made.

"Oh!" Haru looked over at the aforementioned girl and returned her attention to Sojiro, "I heard from Ann-chan they were preparing for the Culture festival and they brought in the clothes the student chosen to man their stall would wear on the festival. There were cat ears involved."

"Ah." Sojiro only needed to hear the word 'cat' to perfectly understand what was going on, "So, it's not just actual cats."

Haru nodded. Sojiro sighed and returned to his spot behind the counter as Ren returned to work with Haru. His eyes caught the curious pair belonging to Akechi Goro and he inwardly snorted; heaven forbid anyone put cat ears on _this_ kid- god knew he didn't need it.

.

 _Oops._

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Futaba- no, Oracle, for she was Oracle now even though she was out of the Metaverse, pushed her glasses further up the bridge of her nose, causing the light of her phone's screen to reflect wickedly off its lenses.

"So, the meeting begins," She declared.

"I can't believe we're having this meeting behind Joker's back," Mona hissed.

"Our esteemed leader is busy being honey pot and distracting our foe."

"Do you have to make it sound so dramatic?" Panther shook her head fondly.

"Yes." Oracle nodded, "Now, as for the plan. It sucks. And I believe we all know why it sucks."

"Indeed," Queen murmured.

"And we're here to suggest alternatives." Fox cocked his head to the side, expression thoughtful.

"But what should we do?" Skull scowled, "I mean, it took us some serious brainstorming to come up with the plan we already had, how are we going to come up with a better one with not a lot of time until the deadline?"

"Hmmm." Oracle nodded, "But wait! Our dear Noir has approached me with a great plan to try out! Noir, if you would."

"Gladly." Noir chuckled sinisterly as she pulled something out of her bag and presented it to the rest.

A shocked gasp passed through the rest of the Thieves.

"No way," Queen breathed out, "This is quite bold."

In Noir's hands sat an innocuous pair of brown cat ears.

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A shiver ran down Goro's spine and he had to suppress a frown; there was no one in the café other than him and Amamiya who was in front of Goro, so why did he feel like someone was breathing down his neck and holding a gun to his head?

(And why did he feel like he was better off ditching everything and eloping with Amamiya to the other side of the world, and then forgetting that Japan even existed?)

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End

Things that didn't make it to the fic:

Morgana's shrine dedicated to Ren hidden under the bed in between the crates where Ren wouldn't look (thank you Miya for the idea, unfortunately, I couldn't find a place to add it *sweats*).

The original version of Yusuke's intro-  
Inspiration: found  
Future model: asked  
 _Yusuke is forcibly removed from Amamiya-sama's presence_.


End file.
